Frustrated

FRUSTRATED

                   I am so very much frustrated right now, my mom and I have gotten into an argument again

  just like the other week, we got into 2 arguments, and she thinks that she knows what I think about

  all the time, and I told her that she doesn't know me anymore. I also told her that she doesn't know

   me like Lonnie does, and I told her there were reasons why I didn't want to go work on my dad's 

   house for a while. She kept saying all these different things, like because of my medicine, or other 

   things, and I told her it was because I was depressed, and I kept turning around, because she does 

   not understand things that I have been going thru. She keeps talking about what happened to me

   when I was thirteen, about when I was molested, and she says what happened to her, what Linda Johns and what those ladies did to her, and Melissa did to her was worse than what Kenneth Johns did to me

and I told her, what he did to me was way worse than what they did to her, and I was the victim, not her.

8/17/2013 Tonight on the phone when we got into an argument, she told that it was all coming back to

her, and that I should have never gone over there, and she told me to stay away from there, and I told

her that it happened a long time ago, and I want to forget about it, that it happened to me when I was 13 years old, and that I didn't want to think about it any more, and then she told me that I think about it every day, and I told her that I don't, and she told me that I did, and she told that I have to start from the beg-

inning and I told her that I have my own problems to worry about, and I also told the past bothers you because you let it, and she got mad at me and hung up on  me. She also brought up about not being able to find a lawyer about her case about what happened to her what she got taken to Singer institution because  Mark Marinaro and police chaplain and certain other people, and they also got me involved, thought that she poked two holes in her stove hose, and set that on fire in her kitchen, and my mom said she didn't, so 

she's upset about that, and other things, and she goes on and on about other things. 

She also talks about Craig and his mother, how his mom would stick up for him at certain times and how his 

mom would say certain things to my mom, and I keep telling my mother that she's dead now and has been dead for over two years, and she can't say or do things like she did anymore. 

Then she talks about Linda Johns, how she did things to my mom, and how she should get in trouble for what she did by the law, and I keep telling my mom that she's dead now and she can't do anything to her now.

She also talks about when she was in the hospital in Peoria, IL and how she got cheated out of a $50,000 life insurance policy, about Bruce Lawher, and how he lied about certain things at her place of employment, 

and he said certain things, and how Janice Young falsified certain things on my moms medical record and she won't change my mom's record at all. My mom's boss, Bruce, called an ambulance, and my mom went by ambulance from her place of employment to the hospital in Peoria,IL, to the mental ward, because her mother thought she needed help. She drove with AMC Spirit, packed full of clothes, 2 dogs, to my aunt and uncles house, thinking that someone was after her, and that someone was coming into her house, someone like Collis Hennley and Pastor Don Lyons. She still talks about Janice Young will not change anything on her medical record and my mom said she's been told to do that. She said she wrote a letter telling Janet Wattles telling them to stay out of her life, to leave her alone. A long time ago, when I lived on Shaw ST., she wanted me to tell Janet Wattles to stay out of her life, and I told her that I was not going to do that, and she got mad and told me "Fuck you," and I told her "Fuck You" and she left. So we've gotten in many arguments in our life and its because I've told her that I don't want to talk about it and I have my own problems to deal with, and she thinks that I'm being abusive, and I'm not supporting her, that I don't respect her, and I do respect her

because she's my mother, and she has done a lot for me, and I have thanked her for that. I have done stuff for her, especially when she's needed medical help. 

We're not as close as we used to be a long time ago, and I just wish that she would stop trying to tell me what to do, and when she has come over and Ari has worn certain clothes, she has complained. I told her on the phone that I was sick of her bitching about what Ari was wearing, and telling her that she needs to go put on old clothes and that she shouldn't be wearing that around the house, and I told my mom that she can wear that if she wants to, because I am her mother, and she's not. I said if you are going to bitch about what she is wearing, then don't buy her anymore clothes. I'm also sick of you bitching  at  her when I'm standing there and I'm her mother, and I also said you can tell me what she's doing wrong and then I can decide if I want to get after her or not. I also told her you don't tell her what to do on certain things, you ask her.

She talks bad about Craig in front of Ari all the time. I used to say "Can't we talk about something else" to her. I most of the time try to change the subject, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. She always says to me that I don't believe what she says is true, and trying to put words in my mouth. She also says that I need to deal with my issues and go see a therapist. 

I can't wait to pay off my car so I don't have to deal with her anymore, and Ari gets sick of her bitching at her all the time. Sometimes she's ok with her, and sometimes she's not. It's like my mother wants me to live in the past and I can't do that, I have my own life to live, and I won't do what she wants. She gets mad but oh well! I can't think like that and she's always putting words in my mouth. I am not an abusive person, and never have been. She doesn't understand what I was going thru when my dad passed away, and she never will. She still talks about her mother as (mommie dearest) that she said her mother told that she wished that my mom was never born, and the way that my mom was treated during her childhood. I told her why do you keep talking about her, she's dead now, quit thinking about her. I also said "Why do you keep thinking about that side of the family, I don't talk to them, I don't call them, they don't call me, I don't want anything to do with them, I don't care about them, so I'm not worried about it, so why should you, I wouldn't." She just goes on and on about the past and I'm trying to get her to forget about it, and it's so hard to try to change the subject sometimes, because thats all she seems to think about most of the time. I said to her at one time, "Can't you think about the future, or about Ari, or something else, or something that makes you happy, because all you dwell on is the past." 

I also said to her "Was there anything good in your childhood and she said 'no'"?  She said my Uncle Jack did something to her when she was younger and I think he should get in trouble for it. I don't talk to any of my relatives on my mom's side of the family, and I don't really care to. The only living relative I have left is my Aunt Karen, but I really miss my dad and Grandma Giden very much. I miss talking to them, and hearing their voices! I can't wait till (hopefully) my Aunt Karen comes here to visit. 

I am so lucky to have Lonnie in my life as my significant other, because I love him very, very much. He has been with me through a lot. I am very greatful for that! I am so lucky to have Ari also, she's is my #1! Always! I will always be there for her, whatever she needs, and I could careless about her dad. I am so happy for her, about middle school, 7th grade, and I hope she does really good! 

My dad passed away October 10, 2011, all of a sudden, in his doorway at his house at night. The next morning, early, the next door neighbor kid found him in the doorway, half in and half out. They found him at 7:22am. I didn't find out till 2 days later, and he died of a heart attack per the coroners request. There was an autopsy done, because they didn't know what he had died from at first. I didn't get a report until December of that year, and actually my attorney walked across the street and got the copy of the report on 12/14/11, and that's what the report had said, that he died from a heart attack. My dad was 71 years old. 

He had diabetes and heart trouble. The day after I found out that he passed away, I talked to one of the gentleman on the phone, and they had told me that I was able to come and see him. So the next day I went down to the coroner's office to see my dad, and it was hard, but I was glad that I did, and I had him cremated, and I have his ashes in a nice urn here at where I live now, at home, with me. I went through grief counseling for awhile after my dad passed away, because I felt I needed it. When my grandma giden died in the hospital in Peoria, IL, I was there when she died, and she died in her sleep. That was in March, 2012, and it just seemed to quick for me, after loosing my dad. I lost my dad in October, 2011, lost my job in February 17, 2012, then lost my grandma in March 10, 2012, and it just seemed like everything happened so fast. I got to see my cousins, Becky, Steve, Aunt Mary, Uncle Carol , Catherine Giden and her son, and met some of the other relatives, too. But it was nice to see everybody that I havn't seen in a long time, and they hadn't met my daughter yet either. I love talking to Kat on the phone, we have such good conversations on the phone, and we both had the same grandpa, which was nice. I would like to go visit her sometime I hope!